This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you

This is the phrase that came to mind this past weekend as we were forced to discipline our 4-year-old son. I say forced, but what I really mean is that we had to make good on a promise if we were ever to have any disciplinary credibility with our kids.

Here's what happened: A week ago Thursday, my husband got the talk of shame from our daycare. Jack had been hitting other kids when he got angry and even (gasp) bit a child. It didn't come as a total surprise, as he had had violent outbursts against his sisters at home, but we just chalked that up to family dynamics and sibling rivalry. Now, after the warning from daycare, we were mortified into action.

First came THE TALK (violence is bad, use your words instead), which wasn't as effective as we had hoped. Then came the threats of punishment, I mean logical consequences. We told our little man several (read: 235,989) times in the previous week that he if did not behave (read: stop hitting other kids) he would miss his hockey lessons on Saturday. It was going OK for a few days, then he hit Ashley's little friend on Friday. Goodbye Saturday morning hockey lessons.

The hard thing for Jack was that he wasn't just not going to his hockey lesson, he had to come along and watch Ashley play hockey as they are in the same Little Gretzky's class. Cruel, I know. He took it surprisingly well, and we used each opportunity as he was staring longingly at the ice as a "teaching moment."

Was it an effective way to discipline him? What were our options? It would have been unbelievably hypocritical of us to spank him for hitting other kids. Timeouts seem too light-weight for doing something as major has hitting or biting another child. I think our only choice was to warn him of the consequences if he did this bad thing again and then -- this is key -- to follow through with our promise. I think it hurt us more than it hurt him.

The whole issue of disciplining or guiding our children has been one of the most challenging and unsure areas in our parenting experience so far. It makes think back to my own childhood and try to remember what forms of punishment or discipline actually helped me learn a lesson and which just made me hate my parents more (sorry Mom if you're reading this, but we're all good now, right?).

Anyhow, the most depressing part of this weekend's tough love experience is that we're only just dipping our toes into the ocean of teaching our kids the lessons of life. Can't wait til they're teenagers!